“The World is not something to
look at, it is something to be in.”
– Mark Rudman
The bugger is, when we “be” in the world it is messy. It can be painful, scary and it can leave a scar. And, we can feel very very vulnerable.
I have had the great good fortune of being incredibly vulnerable recently…I am presently experiencing what I call “vulnerability fatigue”. I am simply so damned tender from being so damned vulnerable day in and day out. When I came home today after hours of tender-hearted-vulnerability, I sat on my bed and wept. My 11-year-old son patted my hand. I didn’t feel sad or hurt or angry or scared. I felt tender from exposing myself, my work, my life, my being-ness…so I cried. My son held my hand for a few moments and then, knowing that mom just cries sometimes, went into his room to read a book. I sat there on my bed after less than 5 minutes feeling at peace after such rawness. The tears just washed it out. Just. Like. That.
It struck me as I was driving said son to tennis practice moments later, how we have learned to hedge away from those tender places of vulnerability. How we have learned to stuff it, cram it, shut it down…how we have learned to just look at it rather than be in it. We even back away, often, from letting the tears come and letting the discomfort swell up so that we might fully experience the experience that we are having.
A friend sent me Louie Swchartzberg’s movie on Gratitude which I happened to watch again tonight. Aaaahhh. A beautiful illustration of our unique human experience and the great gift we have each moment of each day to indulge fully and deeply in our lives. Every interaction with another, every cloud, every sound, and yes, every feeling of raw vulnerability, is one to be tasted and lived fully because we will never have another one just like that. What a way to authentically engage in this world.
Mr. Swchartzberg suggests that we might live every day like it is our first and like it is our last. I understand that to mean letting ourselves feel those tender moments of discomfort, the peels of joy, the bland boredom, scratchy irritation and everything in between…and often, when we let ourselves simply feel these experiences without attachments or stories, they have the most amazing way of transforming into something new and different.
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So…will you take the invitation to live this moment like it is your first and your last? How might this transform your life?