This week we have had a number of calls that have gone like this:
“Hi, I am looking for some relationship help…my husband and I are having some trouble…over the weekend, he actually brought up the “D” word. You know…divorce. I couldn’t believe it and frankly, don’t know how we got here. I’m wondering if you can help?”
When we get married we rarely think that we will be getting a divorce. Most couples have an unspoken understanding about the “D”-word…it is off limits and we just don’t go there.
Well…until we do.
And sometimes, we do go there.
For most of the couples who I have worked with, they are shocked and devastated that divorce is something that they are even considering. Many people express feeling like they have somehow failed that divorce is even part of the conversation. The fear and anxiety around possibly getting divorce and what they might mean to their family, their lifestyle, their finances and of course the toll on a heart seems extraordinary.
I see the conversation about divorce as a call to action.
Starting to think or talk about divorce, refocuses every cell in our being back on to our relationship. We begin thinking about our lives differently, seeing that this person who I sleep with every night has a choice to be here or not. I have a choice to be here or not. Do I just want to be here…or do I want to live here. To live is to “have life”. The word life means:
to have animated existence.
to have growth.
to be distinguished from an inanimate or dead object.
belonging to the soul.
When most couples call me, they would not describe their marital situations as ones that are animated, growing or belonging to the soul. They describe their relationships as stuck, stagnate, dead or flat. They feel confused, terrified, lost, and hurt…and of course, this is understandable. Because, without LIFE (animation, growth, soul) we feel dead — and for most of us death is the scariest thing in life.
Divorce, then, points us back to LIFE. It is an invitation to re-engage, enLIVEn, and refocus on the nurturance and growth of a relationship that is faltering. It is an opportunity to reprioritize how we want to live.
If you are interested in being with the “D”-word in a different way, call me…maybe I can help!