It is quite normal for you to fantasize -- about a bigger home or a smaller home...about your *dream* job...and about sexual encounters.
Fantasies are normal.
Fantasies are healthy.
Fantasies can really improve our sex lives.
Do you talk to your partner or spouse about your fantasies? Have you shared with them your deepest desires? If the answer is no, you are not alone.
Most couples never talk about their fantasies. It feels too private or too vulnerable to do so. And some fantasies may be better left in the recesses of our minds where they can be visited in private on our own. However, other fantasies can deeply enrich our sex lives and the way that you engage with your sensuality if you let them out.
Before you start telling your partner that you'd like to dress up in a maid outfit, it may be helpful to consider why you haven't shared your fantasies before.
- Has your partner teased or shamed you in the past about what you like?
- Do you feel embarrassed about what or who you fantasize about?
- Does it seem like it would be a threat to your partner's ego if you shared your fantasies? That it might hurt his/her feelings?
- Are you uncomfortable talking about your sexuality with your partner?
- Is sex something that you DO but not something that you TALK ABOUT?
Exposing yourself in new and vulnerable way to your partner *ups the relationship ante* quite a bit -- but it can also be really hot (stay tuned for Part 2 for those details). For some couples, they prefer to stay in the safe zone of routine and predictability. The comfortable relationship that they have is just right for them. This, of course, is just fine if it is working for you.
For others people, and you might be one of them, they find themselves thinking about...
- wanting more in their relationship
- feeling like the 'love is gone' or they've fallen out of love with their spouse/partner
- feeling bored or like their relationship has become stale
- no longer feeling the "butterflies" that they once did
- wanting to have a lover and not just a roommate
Any committed relationship will find routine and predictability. It is part of what you love about committed relationships. At a certain point, this routine, however can lull you into a place of boredom and dry up desire -- desire to communicate, get curious, explore, and have a roll in a sack.
Sometimes in order to have something new you might find that you are picking an argument with your beloved for no particular reason (hint: your are trying to find something *new* and spicy but don't know how to get it). You might find yourself thinking about all of the ways that he/she should change so that your relationship could be better.
When these things happen it can be an indication that you have stopped sharing new and different parts of yourself with your partner. You both know each other so well that you :
1) have stopped exploring new vistas together (whether that is around the globe and around the bedroom) or
2) you have kept hidden from your partner dreams or fantasies that you have (sexual or otherwise) because of the uncertainty about how those fantasies will be received.
Any healthy relationship over time with change and grow. Sometimes that growth is painful and sometimes that growth is delightful. And often it is both. It can feel downright terrifying to share the deepest parts of yourself with your partners -- even if we know that they love and cherish you. If you feel unsure about how your partner will receive your fantasies than this is an invitation to strengthen and fortify your relationship.
- This is a chance to examine how you may feel "unsafe" in sharing something that in contrary to how you have been in relationship.
- It is a chance to look at how you and your partner both maybe take things too personally and react rather than hear and listen to one another.
- It may be a chance to re-evaluate HOW you relate and communicate and learn to relate and communicate in ways that deepen your connection rather than the old ways that might keep you small and tethered to old routine.
If you find yourself reading this article, than you might be ready to take your relationship to the next level.
Contact Our Office
Call us today 720.457.3342 and let one of our licensed therapists help you (or maybe you AND your partner) get our of feeling like a roommate and get back to feeling like you have a lover.