One of the most common complaints that we hear from couples in a committed relationship is that the sex is not “as natural and spontaneous as it used to be”.
Let me walk you through what “used to be your spontaneous sex life”….
One of you contacted the other, on say a Tuesday, suggested that you meet up for dinner, music, and dessert FOR FRIDAY. This is a full four day lead up to the *event*.
During that four days…all participants usually do one or more of the following:
- consider “do I wear the fancy panties?!”,
- consider "can I fit in one more workout?",
- send playful anticipatory texts/messages,
- fantasize some more,
- wonder and anticipate…”what might happen?!?!” after dessert.
Oh the build up!
The desire that is left to smolder and roil for days and nights.
The fantasies about how it might play out…maybe even while masturbating.
And then the night arrives and it is fun, it is playful, it is all of the things. And the sex…well, of course, it feels amazing because you both had a solid four days to prime your pump. You likely started the evening at a 7 (on a 1-10 scale of sexual arousal). You might have even partaken in sex before dinner because you just couldn’t take it anymore. It is simply delish!
And now, ten years later with two kids, a mortgage, in-laws, demanding jobs and all of the things that come with that particular life.
It’s again Tuesday night, the kids have miraculously both fallen asleep by 8:50 pm…you don’t have to get up until 5:30 am tomorrow to catch spin class before heading to work so you look at your beloved and suggest, “Wanna do it?”
No build up.
And if you are like many couples, your beloved sighs heavily…looking at the dishes that need washing, the pile of unfolded laundry on the sofa, the dog hair on the wood floors that *desperately* needs to be managed, and consider that she doesn’t have the energy for a shower and she’s pretty sure that she hasn’t picked up a razor since last week maybe. And maybe you both go to bed and have good enough sex. Sex that is connecting and fine and necessary for a release and some connection.
But gosh…it sure isn’t how it used to be.
No, it’s not.
Because what you had before wasn’t spontaneous sex..it was anticipatory rich, fantasy-laden, hormone and love driven lust that is beautiful and wonderful. And still possible in a committed relationship! It just requires a bit of fine-tuning in your present context.
Sex Therapy in Denver
Call us today and let one of our sex therapists help you experience that “spontaneous” sex again! 720.457.3342.