So many couples complain about not feeling “connected” to their partner. Sometimes the other partner is confused by what “connected” means.
“Well we live together. We sleep together. We talk everyday. How much more connected do you want to be?”
Connection is often about creating an energy between you and your lover. Yes, please notice that I did not say “partner” or “spouse” but “lover” — a word that few of us use to describe (or treat) our significant other…which is maybe why so many people say that they feel like they are living with a roommate. Just a thought…
Anyway…connection is something that can be felt. It can be felt my you, your significant other, and it can be felt by other people when they spend time with the both of you.
Recently, my husband and I had dinner with another couple who are friends of ours. This couple has been together for over 20 years so they are anything but newlyweds. I will call them Steve and Jane.
My husband and I sat with Jane in Jane’s living room sipping wine and catching up as Steve walked in from work. Jane’s face lit up. Steve lit up looking at Jane. Hellos were exchanged and as Steve nestled in on the sofa next to Jane depositing her feet on his lap, I could feel the warmth between the two of them. He stroked her feet noting how he so loved her cute toes. She beamed at him and squirmed with a girlish energy.
This kind of back and forth continued throughout the evening. The way that Steve and Jane attended to one another, acknowledged one another, and held each other’s gaze for just an extra moment conveyed a strong feeling of connection between the two of them.
It was quite lovely to witness.
This give and take in relationship does not just happen “naturally” for most of us. Most of us need to create some rituals, bring some consciousness to our interactions with one another, and make an effort to get this kind of connection with our…lover.
Here are three ways to help get you started:
1) Super-charge the anticipation
Anticipation is hot and exciting. It gets our blood going and brings vitality to our interaction. You can create anticipation by leaving a note for your partner when you leave for work in the morning. Send a sweet text that conveys your feelings for them. Take time to build the longing for touch in very simple ways while on the sofa or holding hands over dinner.
What can you do to help your partner want to lean into you?
2) Plug in before lights out
With busy lives of work, families, and hobbies, most couples are going to bed at night with an iPad in one hand and their cell phone in the other. This massively disrupts connection. As many couples therapists say: the bed is for 2 things — sleep and sex. Get the electronics out.
That means, have regular time before sleep when you snuggle, talk, and nest back in with your person. You chose this person for probably 100 different reasons that you love…so spend 20 minutes before bed plugging back in to some of those reasons!
3) Practice cherishing
How often do you cherish your partner? If you have spent many years or decades with your betrothed there are likely dozens of ways that you take care of each other — ways that you have learned to share household duties or tasks which are certainly ways that we can love one another.
But practicing cherishing your partner is a little bit different. When you cherish another person, they will likely feel special, attended to, seen, and certainly loved. Cherishing helps to fuel the subtle aura between the two of you and reminds you that you are not just roommates but companions and sweethearts. Practice treating each other like that.
If your partner has ever complained about not feeling connected or if you don't feel connected, now is the time to make a change.
Our couples therapists are trained and ready to help you find the connection in your relationship that you have been looking for! Call us today at (720) 457-3342 and our Client Ambassador will help get something set up. Or, schedule 24/7 online by clicking one of the above red tabs "Book Online Now".
We cannot wait to connect with you!