We are seeing lots of discussion about this question in pop culture right now. Debates with “relationship experts” and hot conversations looking to drive up ratings about how affairs might in fact be able to (gasp) help marriages. Affairs happen in marriages and when they do, people are left wondering what they should do.
Some down and dirty Q & A:
Q: Would a relationship expert recommend that someone have an affair in order to improve their relationship?
Q: If my partner and/or I engage in an extra-marital affair, can we heal from that infidelity?
If my partner and/or I do the emotional work necessary to heal from said affair, might we come to experience that our relationship is better now than it was before the affair?
Q: In a moment of elation might my partner and/or I find ourselves saying something, seemingly crazy such as, “That affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage!”
A: YES, it is possible
The two central ingredients that you need in order to breach their commitment with a partner are:
Emotional disconnection with your partner
The opportunity to engage with another
For many of us who have been in a relationship for years, we know that emotional disconnection is quite common and the opportunity to connect with someone other than your partner is common as well.
The third ingredient is necessary…the willingness to act on this situation.
Many, dare I say, most couples will find themselves in places of disconnection with their beloved and they will find many many chances to engage through seemingly innocent flirty texting, FB reconnections with old flames or more egregiously through popular online websites and apps such as Ashley Madison.
Often we find that the willingness to act, comes from a complicated set of emotions…sometimes a feeling of such hurt, rejection, or pain that the person is looking for affirmation or acknowledgment from the other. Often acting out is a kind of cry for help…that the affair-having partner simply does not know what else to do to find relief.
The partner who learns about the affair often feels betrayed, outraged, and tricked. We commonly hear statements like, “I never would have thought that my [husband/wife/partner] would cheat!”
It is our job as licensed therapists to help you sort through the wreckage from the aftermath of the affair.
It is our job to help you understand how this happened and heal the tender wounds that feel unhealable.
It doesn’t happen over night. And for some people the process can be excruciating. But, as the saying goes, most things worth doing don’t come easy.
If you are finding yourself in a place where you have just found out about your partner’s affair. Or, if you have been keeping an affair a secret and are ready to move on either alone or with your partner, we are here to help!
Contact Our Office
Call now (720) 457-3342 and our Client Ambassador will match you with the licensed therapist that can help you get from where you are to where you want to be. There is no need to go through this alone! Or, if you are ready right now, book here with Cara Allan, LMFT.
We look forward to serving you!