If you are in a committed relationship, chances are you have had an argument with your partner about sex. If you have never had such an argument — bravo you! But you might check in with your partner to be sure that they too are satisfied and not keeping mum in order to avoid a fight.
#1 You have forgotten that sex is about pleasure and not necessarily about penetration.
Sure, for many couples penetration is a part of the sexual event — but it certainly doesn’t need to be 1) the main event or 2) the only event.
Sometimes penetration feels amazing and sometimes not. And often, if you are focusing SO MUCH on the ‘doing it’ part of sex you are ignoring the other amazing parts that feel oh so pleasurable….
…like caressing, rubbing, squeezing, licking, kissing, tickling, grabbing, exploring, and engaging deeply your partner in whatever ways feel good to you both.
On occasion when a couple is in my office, one partner will say, “I want my wife to want to have sex more often.”
To which I will respond, “What about your sexual encounter is worth wanting for your wife?”
How do you have sex-worth-having [read: good, great, and mind-blowing] sex?
You shoot for pleasure!
Figure out what your partner LOVES — neck kisses, erotic flirting via text, foot rubs, blowjobs, back massages, genital teasing…what makes your partner YEARN for it, LONG for it, CAN’T SIT STILL for it?!
And if you don’t know — ASK!
And if your partner says, “If you loved me you wouldn’t need to ask me what I like” give them this article because that is a myth. You cannot know someone else’s sexual template (your sexual template is kind of hardwired — we just like what we like). And we are all different — like special little sexual snowflakes — no two are exactly alike.
And the craziest part?! What we like can change day to day and also over time.
Maddening, I know!
Some days you might love gentle touch and teasing that slowly builds to orgasm (with or without penetration). And some days you might just want to be fucked fast and hard. How in the world can your partner know the difference unless you show them with patience, kindness, and flexibility?
Your task: know what feels good to you and learn what feels good to your partner and go for that and drop the myth that sex is all about penetration.
#2 You are not paying attention to your partner
One of the fascinating things about sex is that in order to climax you need to be ‘self-focused’. That means that in those moments just before you come, your attention must drop into you and become less about your partner.
However, in order to have good, great, and mind-blowing sex, you must attend to your partner for some stretch of the sexual encounter to check in with their experience. Sure, sometimes you can ask, “Are you enjoying this?” but you can also watch facial expressions, pay attention to breath, notice if there is flinching or pulling back, and in general feel into their energy.
You might be shocked by the number of people who ‘fake’ enjoying a sexual encounter. And this of course goes both ways — one person needs to speak up and the other needs to listen up!
And, if you are not enjoying sex than it is important to talk about it. I know I know…you have tried and it has been a fight. But you must learn HOW to talk about sex with curiosity and kindness and less blaming and defending in order to get to the good stuff.
[Pro Tip: if you don’t know how to do this, call us now and we can help 720.457.3342]
It is tough to talk about sex for most people. It is vulnerable and you can feel uncomfortable and maybe even ashamed about what you want or what you don’t want.
THIS IS NORMAL. Most of us weren’t taught how to talk about sex, so how in the world can we know how to do it?
#3 You don’t know about the importance of psychogenics
I first learned the term ‘psychogenics’ from Dr. Ian Kerner (and if you’ve ever worked with me you’ve had me rave about one of his books “She Comes First”).
Dr. Kerner talks a lot about the importance of engaging the most powerful sexual organ that we have — the brain — to enhance, deepen, and grow our sex lives.
Psychogenics is basically engaging verbally with your partner before, during, and even after engaging genitally. This might be a playful and erotic text, a whisper in the ear over coffee, narrating part of a fantasy during a physical encounter, or gratitudes and appreciations that you bestow on your beloved. All of these things build anticipation and engages her/his BRAIN to prepare her/his BODY.
And building anticipation is key to a sex life worth wanting.
If you are like most of us, your life is full: work, friends, activities, events, children, the list goes on and on. And then rolling into bed at 9:30pm with the anticipation that magically the switch is flipped and you are ready to go sexually — doesn’t usually work out that way.
However…if your day or your week is peppered with flirting, acknowledgments, playful invitations (‘I am thinking about doing this to you later tonight…’), that helps get and keep your engine going. So, when you roll into bed you are more likely to want the pleasurable activity that your partner is offering you.
We don’t want your sex life to suck. So call us. We know about sex. We know about communication.
We know about relationships. And we want to help. Call us today at 720.457.3342 or
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