Your Marriage: An Epic Fail?
I recently received some sage advice from a mentor, “Anything worth doing, is worth doing better.”
Per usual, I related these words to relationships. If you have been in a committed relationship for longer, than say, a week, chances are that you have felt like a failure at some aspect of that relationship.
The shame, guilt, and remorse of feeling like a failure in your relationship can often bring about some common responses:
1) Go into self-blame and beat yourself up feeling bad about what you have done and live in, what I call, puddle-land (like sitting in a puddle and complaining that your pants are wet).
2) In an attempt to remediate your feelings of failure, blame the other person for the many many ways that you feel that they have failed you. The old bait and switch…
3) Leave or act out in some way (addiction, affair, asking for a divorce, etc.) so that the attention in the relationship is now on that thing (said addiction, affair, divorce) rather than the attention being on the tender and vulnerable places of hurt and remorse.
Living better in our relationships is relative. Sometimes, when you might want to behave badly…like really badly (read: name call, swear, put down) better is simply saying, “I love you too much to argue.” And if you don’t feel that you love your partner in that moment, try saying to yourself, “I love you too much to argue.”
Most of us can relate to feeling like failing ourselves and/or our partners in some ways. Sometimes these fails can feel…well…epic. And, the beauty is that growth only happens through this trial-and-error, roll-your-sleeves-up, get-yourself-dirty, and try-it-again kind of response.
Doing better is not doing it right or perfect but rather inviting yourself to live out of a slightly higher consciousness in moments when the sweet indulgence of righteousness tempt you to blame, shame, and belittle. Doing better is often less about doing and more about just being with your tender feelings in the moment…breathing….and noticing what is happening in your heart and body.
Curious about how your “epic fails” can be the doorway into something fresh and vital in your life? Book a session online now and let’s see how I can help you begin your personal transformation.
Jenny Glick, MA, MSC, LMFT is a licensed marriage & family therapist and transformation advocate in Denver, CO. Click below for your free 20-minute consultation or to schedule an appointment.