“We haven’t had sex in three months.”
“I don’t even remember that last time my husband touched me…I think it was just before the birth of our son…who is now 6 years old.”
“It has been 3 years since we’ve had sex…and we don’t even have any kids!”
Most couples get stuck and feel dissatisfied in their sex lives.
Meg Conley, recently posted a challenge to her readers on her blog which received national media attention. The challenge? A 30 Day Sex Challenge. You heard that right…30 days and sex (or intimate connection) 30 times.
Why didn’t I think of that?!
Oh right…because so many people that I work with want to have sex with their partner…would love to connect intimately with their partner…but are so blocked with anger, fear, shame, or self-protection that “justing doing it” doesn’t feel like an option.
The Top 9 Reasons You (or Your Partner) Have Stopped Having Sex
- You are just so damned tired.
- You are angry, mad, and resentful about a laundry list of things. Desire and arousal go under-ground when anger is primary.
- Blocking intimacy helps you feel safe, protected, and in control.
- You might feel like everything in your life has been colonized by marriage, parenthood, and work. Keeping something, one thing, that is yours (like your body) feels like an act of vital autonomy.
- Pleasuring yourself and your partner is not a priority. You might feel guilt or shame about pleasure.
- So much resentment has built up that you don’t want your partner to feel pleasure so you withhold physical touch consciously or unconsciously.
- Sex has become boring, predictable, and lackluster. It is not worth wanting.
- You don’t get physically aroused in the same way that you used to / would like to…so it just seems like too much work.
- You are demanding about sex with your partner.
If you have any of these reasons swirling around in your relationship strata, than just doing it for 30 days probably feels impossible. And then frustration, hopelessness, and the why-even-effing-bother descends.
But wait…before you spiral down into that toilet bowl of despair, there is hope!
For all of the talk about sex and the media imagery involving sex, when it comes to sex and intimacy most, Americans anyway, can be sexually illiterate. Here are some basics to get you up to speed:
- Your sex life will continue to change throughout the course of your commitment with your partner. This means periods of lots of sex, periods of little or no sex, quick arousal, slow arousal, etc. What you like will change, how you like it will change, and sometimes who you like will change!
- Your sex life is not meant to be static. The urban myth of sex three times a week (that goes along with the white picket fence) is rarely true for couples. But remember, we are not trying to achieve some homeostasis in our sex lives. Sex, desire, and arousal thrive in newness, unpredictability, and (healthy) danger.
- It is healthy for your sex life to ebb and flow — but it is not healthy (or functional) to pretend like it will just magically get better without engaging in some new behaviors, thought patterns, and emotional spelunking.
- What is normal when it comes to sex is fantastically broad…as it should be! For some people, it is normal right in their relationship not to have sex at all…and for others intense dungeon play works. Vanilla sex is great for some couples for many decades and for others exploring toys, delving into fantasies, and stretching the boundaries is what will feed their sexual fire. Stop comparing yourself to what others do and create your own sexual scripts.
- Emotions and sex go together. We are feeling beings so our emotions are tied into our sex lives — this is just how it is. Learning how to express intense emotional pain to your partner and your partner having the capacity to receive these emotions broadens your emotional landscape. This widens the container of what your relationship can hold and will allow you to also express intense pleasure and release during sex.
If you are in a stuck place in your sex life, you are not alone and help is available! Call us now, 720.457.3342, and one of our therapists will help you move into a more satisfying and rewarding place in your intimate life.