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Take Responsibility for Communicating Your Needs and Desires to Your Partner

In ...

I have always *hated* the idea of a soulmate. It felt so Hollywood, lazy, and Prince Charming to me...and ...

As a marriage and sex therapist, I talk a lot with my clients about touch, connection and communication.

The thing that may surprise you is that lots of people don’t actually know HOW they would like to be touched.

They know ...

Activist, author, and preacher James Baldwin famously wrote, “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”

So many couples who we work with ...

One of the most common complaints that we hear from couples in a committed relationship is that the sex is not “as natural and spontaneous as it used to be”.

Wait…WHAT?!

Let me walk you through what “used to be your spontaneous sex life”….

One of you contacted the other, on say a Tuesday, suggested that you meet ...

I joke with my clients often that I am going to write two books: How To Be A Grown Ass Man and How To Be A Grown Ass Woman.

Full disclaimer: all of us have parts of ourselves that need to ...

I tell wives all of the time, “Your husband is a grown ass man and can take care of his own feelings.”

This after the wife has said that she cannot possibly tell him the truth, the whole truth because he cannot handle it.

This, ladies, is a TERRIBLE strategy that results in you infantilizing your husband, protecting him from his emotions, ...

Elie Wiesel, prolific writer and Holocaust survivor famously said, “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”.

If you have ever had a lover who didn’t call, a partner who ignored or rebuked your physical advances or a parent who neglected you, you know this is true.

To be unseen is to be invisible. It is to not matter. To ...

Pema Chodron teaches “whatever you do you are strengthening that habit".

She goes on to teach that humans so often mindlessly allow habituated thoughts, feelings, and actions to create stress, anxiety, and fear in their lives. Without much awareness about the process, you unconsciously get better at the things that bring us disconnection, loneliness, and pain.

If you have spent more than ...

Our culture does a great job selling us the idea of The One — the one person who is a great fit:

• sexually
• emotionally
• mentally
• physically

I hate to break it to you but The One is a myth. It does not exist.

If you want to be in ...

I started my career working exclusively with children.

Foster children, homeless children, teenagers of all shapes and sizes, young children, old children, rich children and poor children.

I doggedly engaged in learning all kinds of fancy therapies to help these children:

• art therapy,
• play therapy,
• sand tray therapy,
• reality therapy,
• wilderness therapy,
• dance ...

Sex therapy is a specific arm of psychotherapy that provides education, resources, and guidance for individuals and couples who are struggling with a wide array of issues. Sex and intimacy are foundational in our relationships -- how much sex, what kind of sex, whether we ...

If you are in a committed relationship, chances are you have had an argument with your partner about sex. If you have never had such an argument — bravo you! But you might check in with your partner to be sure that they ...

In the field of marriage and couples counseling, we often talk about how there are three encounters that couples need to master:

    •    Harmony

    •    Disharmony

    •    Repair

Harmony, for most couples, is easy. Traveling together, dinners out without the kids, enjoying your favorite outdoor activity on a beautiful day. You fall in love ...

Lies of omission.

It is common that we get phone calls from husbands who say this exact statement. 

He will start by saying, “I need to make an appointment for myself for individual counseling.” When we ask, “Tell me a little bit about what is going on that brings you ...

There is a Buddhist saying, “You are what you think.”

• What do you think about yourself?
• What do you think about your present relationship?
• What do you think about your past relationship(s)?

What thoughts are ...

Many people have heard the statistics that anywhere between 40 and 70% of couples in a committed relationship will experience an affair (an 'affair' defined very broadly here from sexual interaction to flirting via text).

Infidelity is one of the number one reasons why couples find themselves ...

It is quite normal for you to fantasize -- about a bigger home or a smaller home...about your *dream* job...and about sexual encounters.

Fantasies are normal.

Fantasies are healthy.

Fantasies can really improve our sex lives.

Do you talk to your partner or spouse about your fantasies? Have you shared with them your deepest ...

The holidays are such a joyful and exciting time for many — it is also a season that can be the perfect platform for chaos within your relationships. 

Stress levels can build with increased travel, time with family, financial strains, holiday events, and relationship expectations. Our sleep can suffer and our overall mood ...

Are you feeling stressed this holiday season?

Think about football for a minute...two teams engaging in a rough battle to win.

So many couples complain about not feeling “connected” to their partner. Sometimes the other partner is confused by what “connected” means. 

“Well we live together. We sleep together. We talk everyday. How much more connected do you want to be?”

Connection is often about creating an energy between you and your lover. Yes, please ...

We deal with affairs everyday at our offices.

People are lonely. People are disconnected. People make choices that hurt people that they love.

Most of us know couples who have managed to stay together after affairs. But the real work is the work of healing ...

Our therapists log a fair number of hours talking about sex.

How much sex couples are having. How little sex couples are having. What kind of sex couples want to have. You name it.

Most people who are married understand that sex is not ...

It is quite common that couples in long-term committed relationships hit periods of time when one or both partners have low sex drive or desire for sex.

This is normal and to be expected for periods of weeks, months or for ...

I am working toward my certification in Sex Therapy right now which means lots of reading and classes related to sex, sexuality, and sexual expression. [How fun is that?!]

A couple of weeks ago, I had the chance to attend a workshop in Los ...

"Do we stay together for the kids?"

This is a common question heard in our offices.

What’s better?

STAY: keep an ‘intact’ family with 2 parents who are marginally connected, infrequently being intimate, and waiting for the day in August ...

You might have read this well-publicized article from July 2015 in the New York Times "The Wedding Toast I Will Never Give" by Ada Calhoun. 

Eloquently and with humor, Calhoun describes her experience in an 11-year marriage which is not what weddings make it out to be. She illustrates sitting at weddings of ...

I spend a fair amount of time at the gym with trainers in small group environments. I have written in the past about my love affair with CrossFit and the many metaphors with marriage counseling. This morning, there was another one.

Today I was attending ...

There has been a lot of buzz this week about affairs after the Ashley Madison scandal that broke.

Channel 7 News Denver even interviewed our own Jenny Glick, MA, MSC, LMFT to get her take on the situation.

Sadly, much of the substance of the conversation with the reporter was edited out. Here is what you missed...

Question: What do you think about ...

My husband and I just celebrated 15 years of marriage last week. 

A milestone for any couple but a hard earned one for us (like for many many of you as well).

Here is some of what I have learned in my years of wedded…eh hum…’bliss’:

1. It is just as important ...

We are seeing lots of discussion about this question in pop culture right now. Debates with “relationship experts” and hot conversations looking to drive up ratings about how affairs might in fact be able to (gasp) help marriages. Affairs ...

Anthropologist Margaret Mead has famously said that a woman needs three husbands: 

• The first is for youthful sex.

We get several calls a week from people who have just learned that their spouse has been having an affair. During these calls, I hear disbelief, pain, grief, and fury. All of these varying emotions are normal and to be expected.

I hate Valentine's Day. I do, I know, it sounds weird as someone who has devoted her life to relationships...but it is true.

Valentine's Day has always felt like a contrived holiday where couples (and singles!) feel pressure to demonstrate their love and devotion to the other. Grand overtures are sweet but do not make up for ...

Sometimes I hear things like, “We went to couples therapy and it didn’t work!”

Or, “When we went to therapy, all we did was talk about the fight we had the week before — I never felt like we were getting anywhere.”

Most couples engage in couples therapy because ...

This week we started a major remodel on the kitchen and main floor of our home…moving walls, refinishing wood floors, and gutting much of the existing structure.

Very exciting ...

If you are reading this, you probably know a woman, are married to a woman, or are a woman who has had sex with her partner resentfully.

It happens all of the time.

Women. Please, stop engaging in this damaging activity. 

If you are unfamiliar with the why’s and how’s of this behavior, let me explain.

For many (most!) married people (especially ...

Many people can easily remember the “good ‘ol days of their relationship…the early days when spontaneous and frequent sex was as routine as the morning cup of coffee. But after many years, children, mortgages, and careers, sex often begins to fade. There is more desire for sleep than there is for an orgasm with your partner.

In ...

By the time most people find their way to a couple’s therapist, they have been having the same argument or fight for an average of 7 years. Seven years!

That’s seven years of repeating patterns that have not been effective in creating the kind of relationship that the couples wants. Often, when people show up in our offices they ...

“We haven’t had sex in three months.”

“I don’t even remember that last time my husband touched me…I think it was just before the birth of our son…who is now 6 years old.”

“It has been 3 years since we’ve had sex…and we don’t even have any kids!”

Most couples get stuck and feel dissatisfied in their sex lives.

Meg ...

Millions of people take spiritual and religious pilgrimages every year to places like the Ganges River, Mecca, the Golden Temple, Saint Peter’s Bascilica, and other holy places. During such pilgrimages, people walk miles for days or even weeks — such as those who walk the Camino de Santiago, in Spain. Others take months or even years to live in Ashrams ...

Unresolved trauma can add an element of crazy-making to your relationships that can leave you stunned and confused. You might feel like you are ready to run out the door when these difficult patterns emerge in your relationship. 

That’s because trauma keeps the nervous system ...

One of my favorite personal coaches, Emily Schromm, says, “Be your own superhero.” 

Totally.

What if you decided to be your own superhero in your relationship?

Most couples come into my office wanting their partner to change: 

If only he would be more attentive ...

A recent widely posted article on Facebook tells the story of a hospice nurse who identified the top 5 regrets that people have on their death beds. The results are not surprising…things like “I wish I would have stayed in touch with my friends” and “I wish I would have ...

A rather controversial and interesting discussion is occurring in the couples therapy world, “Can an affair improve my relationship?”

Crazy sounding, I know.

And yet, for those of us who work in the field, what we see is that folks who do the work after an affair ...

It is pretty common in my line of work to run across folks who simply think that they have married the wrong person. These people often describe themselves as being chosen rather than choosing.

The work of committed relationships can feel overwhelming.

We are raised in a culture where we believe, deep down, that if a relationship is "meant to be" it won't be a ton of work. Most of us know enough to know that it will be work...but no a TON of work. Right?

Relationships are a ton ...

I was fortunate enough to give a talk for the American Diabetes Association a couple of weeks ago. I wrote about it and it was published at the GoodMenProject. Check it out!

Almost 100% of couples who come in for therapy start out by saying, “We need help communicating.” I listen for a while about the arguing, the distance between the two, how maybe they wish things were back to how they ...

Unlike some professions, being a therapist is a job but it is also something that most of us feel called to do. A good and competent therapist is often one who engages in this work as a service to their community but also a service ...

As a couples' therapist in Denver, I spend a lot of time talking with people about their sex lives.

What we ...

I am asked virtually every day, "How do I fix my marital problems with my spouse." (hint: the answer has to do with Michael Jordan....keep

For years, my response would be a wry comment, "Wouldn't it be nice to just take a pill?!" or a more serious, "You must do the work."

Today, ...

If you are a parent and you don’t know about Christine Carter’s work, I encourage you to check it out. (P.S. If you live in Denver, Dr. Carter will be here on Jan 15, 2014. 

Have you seen the trailer for the new film by The Representation Project?

You’ve surely heard of Brene Brown. And if you have worked with me, you have been encouraged (instructed) to read, watch, and listen to her work.

A recent article on Psychology Today by Melanie Greenberg, “Ten Science-Based Facts About Love” provides some great information about how love works which gives us clues on how to make it ...

I don’t know how many times people have said (in jest) to me in a first session, “Is there any way to improve my marriage quickly and painlessly? Can you just give me a pill?” 

Of course, we laugh knowing that there is no pill to cure our relationship ills. But…there is something that is rather extraordinary….

If you have spent any ...

How many of us think we know how to make a marriage work…before we actually get married?

It’s like thinking we know how to parent until we have kids.

You remember the times when you heard the trantrumy-screamy-whiny-”NOT-MY-KIdS!” kids on an airplane, at the mall, in the grocery store. Remember ...

Marriage can be tough. Hard stuff happens in our committed relationships constantly.

Notice what you do when hard stuff comes up in marriage:

• Do you brace?
• Does your body get tight?
• Do you hold your breath?
• Do you say things like, “Really?! ANOTHER thing?!”
• Do you say things like, “Why does so much bad ...

Photographer Seokmin Ko was recently featured on CNN.com with his unique and inspiring series using mirrors. I speak, almost daily, with clients about how in relationships our partners are mirrors for us. In Ko’s work, you will notice how the mirror reflects back the environment where it is placed. You can barely make out the hands of the ...

Recently, at a talk that I was giving in Denver for 20 or so people, I asked, “What is the purpose of a marriage or committed relationship?” 

Their responses include:

• To feel love
• To have connection
• To experience safety and intimacy
• To grow trust
• To have regular sex
• To share financial responsibilities

I listed their answers on ...

You may associate defeat with negative outcomes. It is usually believed that failure is equated to wrongness, badness, the not-supposed-to’s in life, and even death. It is considered “lucky” to be able to evade failure – as if you have thwarted some emotional plague that will ...

Confession…sometimes when my 11-year-old son does something really annoying to me, I think to myself, “That is just like your Dad.” Ouch. I know, not my most elevated state of consciousness there.

Today, as I watched my son exhibit some of my own qualities, I ...

Many of us chose to live while putting up the tough guy act. We try to put up a facade that we are holding it all together. Opening up to a partner or a loved one in a relationship or the mere thought can be frightening for some amongst us. But wearing ...

We are suffering from trust fatigue 

As the news headlines rave about the government shutdown, Gallup puts the plummeting trust in government into the limelight: “Americans’ trust and confidence in the federal government’s ability to handle international problems has reached an all-time low”.

But the resentment towards the government is not the only thing that seems to have been hit by a ...

Most couples struggle to find the balance between sex and intimacy in a relationship. But are sex and intimacy really that different from each other? Are they intricately linked or does one simply lead into another. Sex and intimacy are terms that are ...

Have you read the Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute? If you are in a relationship, I recommend that you read it. Like soon. Or watch this rather historical five minute video to get the gist of it.

One of the central premises in the book is how to maintain a “heart of peace” ...

If you don’t know Louis C. K. the comedian you might spend some time getting to know him.

His recent visit to Conan O’Brien produced a stellar vignette on how cheap connection through media use prevents deep experiences of our inner landscapes. How many times do you reach for the phone to text, call, check FB in order to fill up space in your life. It ...

Most of you know that I just love Seth Godin. What he teaches about business is so true in the business of marriage as well.

Today, I was thinking about drama set points. We all have a set point for drama…you know, a threshold of how much we can take, how far we can push, ...

Fear is the enemy of vulnerability when it comes to your relationships.

Think about it…you are mad, hurt, tired, and done with your partner’s crap. You know nothing is going to change so why bother?!

Yeah, I know this story.

I also know that in this place, fear has wrapped ...

Albert Einstein famously said,

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

True for physics.

True for relationships.

If you feel stuck in your relationship, I bet you have tried “everything”. I bet that you have consulted friends and family. Maybe you have read some books and spoken with a minister, pastor, ...

I own my own business. Many of my clients own their own businesses as well.

When we are in business for ourselves we track things like where clients find us, what networking events to attend, what SEO strategies are increasing traffic to our websites…we do this to see what is bringing in customers and ...

How do I know if it is the “right” time to end a relationship?

When I hear this question, I think about an episode of Dr. Phil that I saw almost a decade ago while waiting at the dentist’s office. In the episode, Dr. Phil said something like, “If you are still angry, ...

Most of us think, at one time or another in our relationship, that if the other person changed everything would be better.

Most of us think, at one time or another, that if our partner was more loving, patient, kind, relaxed, driven, forgiving, etc, that our lives would be better.

Therefore, our thinking ...

I recently received some sage advice from a mentor, “Anything worth doing, is worth doing better.”

Per usual, I related these words to relationships. If you have been in a committed relationship for longer, than say, a week, chances are that you have felt like a failure at some aspect of ...

Normally, I write about what is personal to you…your relationships, life, troubles. Today, I am writing, uncharacteristically, about myself.

Last night, I awoke at 1 am for the routine blood sugar check of my son who has Type 1 diabetes. Due to some minor medical issues, I ended up being awake until 2 ...

One thing. Just one thing can change everything. 

Right now, take 100% accountability. Take accountability for your unhappiness, your hurt, your pain, your joy, your sorrow, your failed expectations, your dashed hopes. Take accountability for how you feel, what you have come to believe, and how it might not be working.

The most AMAZING ...

This week there has been a lot of buzz from Jade Beall’s “A Beautiful Body” Book Project. As I, like millions of others, took in the gorgeous images of the mothers’ in the book with the curves, marks, puckers, and folds brazenly and respectfully revealed, it struck me how our expectations of ...

When was the last time you had a really hard, honest, and vulnerable conversation with your best friend?

The kind of conversation that makes your belly feel sick and your throat close up.

The kind of conversation that happens and you think, “I can’t believe I am about to say this out loud.”

When ...

I am a huge fan of Seth Godin. As an entrepreneur and out-of-the-box thinker, his concepts are exciting and provocative.

As a relationship therapist, his concepts are exciting and provocative.

His ideas push us to live more fully in that place that feels a bit scary, naked, vulnerable, and totally alive. Seth ...

Every moment on this planet is a gift. Ask someone who has just received a terminal diagnosis and they will tell you that or someone who has just lost a loved one.

I watched the very touching film today about Zach Sobeich the 17-year-old given just a few months to live and who ...

Most couples begin dating because they enjoy one another. The friendship that they build is the beginning of their relationship.

I often meet with couples after they have been together for a number of years. Their once enjoyable relationship has become conflictual and tense. Suddenly, the behaviors that they once loved (or at the least, were able ...

I had the good fortune of spending time with a wise teacher of mine this weekend. Through the course of the seminar, a wide range of topics was covered but something that she said, stood out to me as it relates to marital relationships: “What you hide, you get to keep.”

My ...

There is a bit of a debate in the therapy world around the utility of pre-marital or pre-marriage therapy. Here is my perspective: set yourself up for success and invest in what matters to you.

Why bother with pre-marital therapy if everything is fine right now?

You know when you board an airplane ...

I am beginning a new video series…Two Minute Tips for Your Relationships. If you have a tip request, post it in the comment section below and I will answer your relationship or communication question!

Want to learn more? Contact me at 720.457.3342 for a free 20 minute consultation to see how I might be able to ...

We have so many assumptions about relationships. Have you ever stopped to consider what your assumptions are? If you do, you might be surprised as these are the guiding beliefs that shape your marital interactions. Here are 5 common myths that I talk to couples about daily.

Relationship ...

For some reason, we have it in our heads that a “healthy relationship” means no conflict…no strife…no complications…no opposing ideas.

This is not true.

By definition, if you are in a relationship, you will have conflict. Our relationships are eco-systems and any evolving, dynamic, changing eco-system will encounter conflict. Conflict, which is simply, opposing ideas.

The yellow ...

Do you turn:

TOWARD, AWAY, OR AGAINST

your partner, friend, or co-worker during an interaction?

This is a significant factor in determining your relationship satisfaction and sense of acceptance and value with yourself and in your relationships.

Dr. John Gottman and his team have pioneered the scientific research of couples, marriage, and relationship in the last ...

Writer, lecturer, and Buddhist-meditation-guru, Tara Brach writes in this week’s Huffington Post article that if we defend against the experience of loss, we miss the opportunity to connect with others. What she is talking about is how most of us push away those feelings of sadness, pain, and hurt covering them over with ...

Have you taken the StrengthsFinder test by Tom Rath? I took mine a few months back and it confirmed that my top few strengths include: connection, empathy, and relating to others.

The cool thing about this strengths test and ones like it is that they point to places where we hold natural gifts…places where ...

“Why don’t you LISTEN to me?!”

“He NEVER talks about his feelings!”

“She punishes me by withholding sex.”

These are some of the most common statements that I hear from people who come to my office and who I work with online. Have you ever said or been the recipient of such ...

This week we have had a number of calls that have gone like this:

“Hi, I am looking for some relationship help…my husband and I are having some trouble…over the weekend, he actually brought up the “D” word. You know…divorce. I couldn’t believe it and frankly, don’t know how we got here. I’m wondering ...

Esteemed psychotherapist and family therapist Esther Perel gave a discussion-provoking TED talk — The Secret to Desire in Long-term Relationships last week on Valentine’s Day in New York. Recommended watching for anyone willing to engage in an open and mind-expanding conversation of something that many couples don’t know how to talk about.

So…how does what Esther share change your perception of desire in long-term ...

This morning I was reading an essay by one of my favorite poets, thinkers, and expressers of life, David Whyte. He was writing about robustness…robustness as being “physically or imaginatively present in the very firm presence of something or someone else.” What a beautiful way to think about and feel into our relationships ...

“The World is not something to
look at, it is something to be in.”
– Mark Rudman

The bugger is, when we “be” in the world it is messy. It can be painful, scary and it can leave a scar. And, we can feel very very vulnerable.

I have had the great good fortune of ...

As I was walking home today from the zoo having chaperoned a field trip for my son’s 5th-grade class, forgiveness was on my heart. Our cultural story is that forgiveness is hard. As I let that statement rest for a moment in my being it was clear that no, it is not hard to forgive but rather it is quite ...

What might snickerdoodles have to do with relationships?

I was recently reading the Huffington Post with their pros giving tips on best strategies for health in 2013. In her short article Eve Hogan lists some smart and simple strategies for relationship health:

1) Remember What Your Goal Is: A Healthy, Loving Relationship

2) Step Two: Simply Notice Your Own Response To The ...

I just returned from a wonderful retreat at the Sophia Peace Center in Dolores, CO. A beautiful winter wonderland blanketed in white snow and burning brightly with dazzling stars during the night. A perfect spot to delve into the deeper workings of the soul. I attend such retreats regularly to, among other things, ...

I had the good fortune to spend the holiday outside of beautiful Winter Park, CO. For most of us, this intense time with family and friends is filled with joy and occasionally a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder that we need to give ourselves time alone…in quiet…to replenish in order to be better in our relationship with our loved ...

As a couples therapist and relationship specialist, I spend a fair amount of time talking about infidelity with people. When does it happen? Why does it happen? How often does it happen? Will it happen to me?

The research is a bit confusing on the subject…we know that between 20 and 70% ...

Since I have begun writing a blog, I have also begun to read blogs as well. And, wow, there are some great blogs out there! Some of the blogs that I have been reading recently are about minimalism or living simply.

Courtney Carver’s bemorewithless.com is one that I particularly enjoy. Today she is ...

It seems that everyone is talking about Brene Brown…the way she has exposed our culture and our world to an honest and open conversation about vulnerability and shame is extraordinary…and, I believe, helping to change our global consciousness about living more authentically.

For most of us, it is one thing to sit around ...

Introducing a new kind of relationship support in Denver, Colorado…

In the time honored tradition of walking and talking with a trusted confidante, let me be your guide to your own unfoldment!

We will meet near City Park or in Cherry Creek North.

We will walk, talk, open, and transform to something new in your life.

Come with your questions, your ponderings, and

your willingness to open ...

So began my morning with my 11-year old son.

One of the things that I LOVE about being a relationship specialist and having a child is that it keeps me humble.

Being in a relationship with a tween is just like being in a relationship with anyone else. As soon as I think ...