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Activist, author, and preacher James Baldwin famously wrote, “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”So many couples who we work with say things like…I love my husband but I’m not in love with him anymore.I do I love my wife! But I get so angry and I know that I can blame and ridicule her. But I do love her.I just don’t ...

One of the most common complaints that we hear from couples in a committed relationship is that the sex is not “as natural and spontaneous as it used to be”.Wait…WHAT?!Let me walk you through what “used to be your spontaneous sex life”….One of you contacted the other, on say a Tuesday, suggested that you meet up for dinner, music, and dessert FOR FRIDAY. This is a full four day lead up to the *event*.During that four days…all participants usually do one or more of the following:shave,wax,trim,comb,tan,pluck,dress,consider “do I wear ...

I joke with my clients often that I am going to write two books: How To Be A Grown Ass Man and How To Be A Grown Ass Woman.Full disclaimer: all of us have parts of ourselves that need to be grown up, so as special as you are, you are not that unique in needing some up-leveling. In other words, don’t take this too personally. ;-)Being a grown ass woman means being accountable for your actions and inactions. Knowing that your criticism, contempt and yes your ...

I tell wives all of the time, “Your husband is a grown ass man and can take care of his own feelings.”This after the wife has said that she cannot possibly tell him the truth, the whole truth because he cannot handle it.This, ladies, is a TERRIBLE strategy that results in you infantilizing your husband, protecting him from his emotions, and behaving (often) like his mommy and not his equal. This is a problem, big time, and will result in contempt, belittling, resentment, and power struggles in your relationship. [Note: women need to learn how to grow up often as well! Next month's post is about How to Be ...

Elie Wiesel, prolific writer and Holocaust survivor famously said, “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”.If you have ever had a lover who didn’t call, a partner who ignored or rebuked your physical advances or a parent who neglected you, you know this is true.To be unseen is to be invisible. It is to not matter. To not have value. To be meaningless. And to not exist.Most people walk around with a corner of their psyche that already feels not good enough, that feels like a fraud or a failure, that feels unlovable, or like they do not belong anywhere.When that wound gets activated through indifference by ...

Pema Chodron teaches “whatever you do you are strengthening that habit".She goes on to teach that humans so often mindlessly allow habituated thoughts, feelings, and actions to create stress, anxiety, and fear in their lives. Without much awareness about the process, you unconsciously get better at the things that bring us disconnection, loneliness, and pain.If you have spent more than six months with a partner or lover, you have likely already begun to develop a number of habits — thoughts both good and not-so-generous about the person, feelings both good and not-so-generous, and actions both good and not-so-generous. If you are like many people, you have a slight tendency to ...

Our culture does a great job selling us the idea of The One — the one person who is a great fit:sexuallyemotionallymentallyphysicallyI hate to break it to you but The One is a myth. It does not exist.If you want to be in a long-term relationship — and some people do not — but if you do want to play house with someone, maybe have kids, maybe blend your lives together then you must be willing to settle for some things that are annoying and bothersome. You have to learn to let that ...